From Kathy Underwood: May 20, 2022

Grand Parenting and the Congregation 

Sometime within the next few weeks, my spouse Todd and I will become first-time grandparents. I know many of you have experienced the joy of a new baby to hold and help raise, no matter the geographical distance between you. Added to this joy, my son and daughter-in-law want to raise their daughter in a UU congregation. A fifth-generation UU in my family! How many mid-westerners can say that? 

And yet I worry that as they navigate parenthood and look towards the congregation for support that they will be let down. Not intentionally. It rarely happens that way, thank goodness. It can happen in smaller, more subtle ways. 

When our middle child was born, our congregation was in the process of reconstructing an old barn on a rural piece of land and was renting space at a local middle school for worship and Sunday programs. It was a fairly large space that was open, and while not as big as UCE, sound was a bit of an issue. And although we were fortunate that our kids were pretty mild-mannered for their age, they did babble in baby-talk and make some noise when scribbling on the back of the order of service. 

One winter morning we sat near the back of the space as usual. Maybe 10 minutes later, we heard “Shhhh” behind us. I couldn’t tell where it came from. I glanced at Todd with a questioning look, which asked “should we stay or go?” We just shrugged a bit and stayed, although feeling awkward and self-conscious. For the rest of the worship service, I was so paranoid that my kids were disrupting people that I couldn’t tell you what the service was about that day. 

I’m glad to say that this was the only time we experienced this (I’m sure it’s because of my well-mannered kids, tongue in cheek), but over the years I have thought about it occasionally. I wonder how many other parents have had a similar interaction, and whether or not it led to them leaving our doors never to have returned.  

On occasion, I have witnessed a toddler having a meltdown at the grocery store. My first reaction is to make eye contact with the parent and say something like, “It’s a tough job some days.” Sometimes I offer to help, but many times I don’t.  

While I don’t think a parent would avoid a grocery store because their child had a meltdown and caused a scene, a religious community is different, especially a UU congregation. It’s not like there is a UU congregation in every town to choose from. Because we are a covenantal community, building relationships is so important. How do we put our trust and faith in our community when another’s action is not in covenant? What compels us to stay?  

In going even further, I think generations of white, European-centered culture play into this too. We are challenged by those expectations about parenting that we grew up with and are now ingrained in us. And in many UU circles, educational status plays into this as well – as in the stereotype that highly educated people behave in a more controlled, refined manner. Somewhere in time the idea was presented to think of those who can’t control their children as “less than” and it continues today. Maybe it will never change. Maybe it will change when white, European-centered culture becomes the minority. For us at UCE more importantly, how do we change our culture and attitude about children as vital (and sometimes noisy) part of our worship life and faith community? 

With our work with Rev. Karen, we said we wanted our children and youth to be integral to our community and our mission. We said we wanted children to be heard, not just seen. Parents tell me that they want support to raise kids who are independent thinkers, who question and seek answers, who dream of a better world and help make it a reality, and who are able to be their full selves among us. 

Yet we also need to balance the needs of our youngest with those of our eldest and those with other challenges, such as hearing, sight, and mobility. How do we welcome and accommodate all of the people with all of their needs at the same time? Perhaps we are setting ourselves up for failure as we can’t make every experience fit everyone’s needs. We do our best to direct our efforts to as many of these challenges as we can. We most certainly can stay in covenant as we navigate through these challenges and doing so with respect and grace says a lot about our community. 

And the next time I see a child and parent struggling, I will smile sympathetically and ask how I can help. 

In Faith, 

Kathy