Languishing 

You may have seen the article a parent shared on the Family Ministry Facebook page which I then shared on the Member-to-Member page, “The Parents (Who Used to Come to Your Church) Are Not Okay”. Author Lauren Graeber shares her thoughts and feelings as a parent during the pandemic, and uses a word borrowed from another author, Amy Grant, to describe how parents are doing: languishing. She goes on to say, “you’re not functioning at full capacity. Languishing dulls your motivation, disrupts your ability to focus, and triples the odds that you’ll cut back on work.” 

I pause here to encourage those of you who don’t have children or youth to continue reading. There is a saying among religious educators, “the congregation is the curriculum.” You are all important to the faith formation and spiritual growth of our parents and young people. And so it is important for the whole congregation to understand how parents are doing, as they are critical members of our community now, and in the future.

My heart sank as I read the article, as it rang so true to me – even though I don’t have young children at home anymore. The continued decision-making on whether going to church (or anywhere) is worth the potential health risk is the obvious explanation for why so many of our families have not returned yet. But what really saddened me, was her feeling of being left behind by her faith community. The staff at UCE have struggled with returning to in-person gatherings knowing that our youngest members cannot get vaccinated. The Faith Formation Force and Family Ministry Team have offered outdoor programs in hopes that families could connect again, but parents still struggle with the same decision-making challenges regarding worship and faith formation hour. 

I so much want to have a magic wand and make things better for our parents and children so that they can feel safe and nurtured here at UCE. I want to see young people in worship and faith formation hour and participating in the life of the congregation. Ms. Graeber offers some concrete suggestions for us that might bring parents back: 

  • Ask us to come back – this lets parents know that they’ve been missed. Texting is usually the best communication tool for parents who are languishing. You can often find cell phone numbers in Realm or reach out to me or Jessica for contact information.
  • Ask them about the parts of life that have been broken during the pandemic – be the person to hear the impact on their finances, social and emotional losses.
  • Ask what they need now – in my experience so far, many parents can’t verbalize what they need, but asking them lets them know you care and want to help. And maybe you’ll get a concrete answer and a way to help. And if there is something needed that we can do at UCE, please let me know.

I would add these four things: 

  • We NEED those of you who don’t have children or youth at home to be involved in our ministry to families with young people. Languishing parents simply can’t do it all anymore. If we want to be the multigenerational community we say we do, then we need you to connect with our young people and form relationships with them.
  • We need to be welcoming to families as they return, and to new ones joining us. This means our hospitality as well as our physical space. Have you noticed the reading corner in the lobby? This says, “We welcome youngsters here!” and gives parents a space to sit and talk where youngsters can sit nearby and read or color.
  • Committees, Teams, and Covenant Groups – add to your agendas “Family Connections” to intentionally think about how you can involve families in your ministry. This could be a special event, gathering, or social action project. The Family Ministry Team and I can help brainstorm ideas with you too.
  • Be sensitive when asking parents to participate or take on tasks or leadership roles. This is a time to nourish their spirits and renew their faith

Perhaps I don’t need a magic wand after all. This is something we can all do to welcome parents and families! 

In Faith, 

Kathy Underwood
Director of Lifespan Faith Formation